Memories and inspirations from my childhood come to mind.
Bob Hoskins says to Dustin Hoffman, "I just had an apostrophe."
Dustin Hoffman says, "A what?"
"L, lightning has just struck my brain" says Hoskins.
Dustin Hoffman rolls his eyes, "You mean an epiphany."
Yeah, one of those. It's a curious feeling, knowing what I realized. Sharing it with everyone yet feeling that no body knows it and that I'm utterly alone.
My "apostrophe" is this: most of my life, nearly all of my life, I have drawn (replicated) what I see in the world. Very rarely, although it has been know to happen on occasion if I vent, do I draw inspiration from within and this inward reflection usually results in a self-portrait sketch. I have not made, since grade school any significant portrait of myself, and why is that? Denial perhaps?
The accumulation of hardship, lack of sleep and prompt feminine hormones resulted in a painful summarization of everything I have experienced last night, crying quietly, for the first time not wanting anyone to see me feel this way. When I emerged, during the witching-hour alone and wide awake. Something in me did not want me to sleep. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. I sat there frozen for a minute trying to determine what it was that my subconscious brain needed to bring to the surface in order for me to learn and heal. When the lightning struck, it was neither convenient nor practical. It was inevitable.
For the first time ever, without self-duplication, I had to draw from within- I HAD TO.
But I didn't draw abstractly. I drew what was most familiar, most precious but this time it was different. I had drawn something akin to it before but never quite with this magnitude. It was bubbling just below the surface until finally it broke through.
I drew myself in my character.
My character is and always was: me.
Gender is of no significance, but of course, I have always felt as such. But it shows, deeply as the work progresses through the story that I was drawing a representation in my head of what I envisioned the story universe to be. As the page turns, suddenly it's there with no apologies. It is a stark obvious transition that I am no longer drawing what I see, but what I feel. Not what I love or enjoy, but who I was, am and will be.
Of course I am thrilled at this epiphany. I am extremely exhilarated at the prospect of what this means for my art and body of work. It is amazingly liberal to know that I can share those feelings somehow, out on the Internet with you all.
I had wanted to start a blog for Spyderdust Comics, or at least for my self as an artist, (TheSpyderDuster) but didn't know how to go about it. I had old forums that failed, and a long time intermittent blog on Deviant Art.
But now I have reason to blog my own and share it.
And I hope you enjoy it too.
