Sometimes when I'm this tired and burnt out, I drown in my sorrows. I'm not sure if anyone really reads this but it's good to have a place to go and vent.
The big news is, that I am no longer associated with my previous publisher. But I haven't announced it, why? Perhaps hesitancy comes from expected retaliation. Which brings me to my next thought. I've been through so much this year, my last bout of employment wounded me deeply into my psyche in ways I may never fully understand. I am afraid to be hurt, controlled, stripped of my individual freedom to express myself. I want only to live a quiet, peaceful life. Artistically uninhibited.
But I am burnt out, in alot of ways. In the mundane world, where I have to pay bills, eat, care for hearth and home, I'm stretched so thin no wonder my art suffers for it. And when I am able to work, every project or commission I accept means saying no to myself, to LoK. Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful for the work I do get, when I get it. I just wonder if I will ever have the luxury of working on LoK the way the pros do. The way I want to do. Not a single day goes by that I don't pick up a pencil these days, but I secretly wish that I could delve into LoK in ways that I used to, almost lost in it, as if Katainia was a real place. I miss those days.
I do find however, that life is starting to settle. That perhaps, with the right amount of scheduling, I could find myself immersed in my story universe once again. I find that any other task that is not for my own, although it expands my skills, prowess and notoriety, is becoming a detrimental distraction from my own body of work. Legends of Katainia has always been my dream, for nearly two decades now. But when am I gonna get my head out of the clouds and make it a reality? This is something, that once again I have to do on my own. You know the old saying, if you want it done right....
